Walking in the Rain at Night: On Wonder and Reason

Some time ago, I was feeling restless, with nothing to do on a cloudy night. I had little desire to watch television, waste time playing a videogame, or sleep - and no friends whom would be up at this hour, so I decided to go for a walk.

About two miles into this walk it began to rain. Fortunately there were a good deal of trees around me, so I was able to hear the wind blowing through their branches, and watch the raindrops drip off of the treeleaves onto my head. It occured to me to be grateful for this experience, the first thing that came to my mind was how wonderful the sight of a raindrop falling off a leaf in the middle of a breeze was, when it occured to me: not everyone would appreciate such. Many in fact would feel annoyed at the cold, unhappy at the wet, and (that most horrid of words) /accustomed/ to the leaves.

It seems to me this is a great sin, insofar as one can call a thought a sin. As we walk through life from day to day, we become /accustomed/ to the world around us, we take it for granted. We see order, and in so seeing (or creating) order, give it no further thought. An example of this can be seen in our desire to predict the weather, or to create shelters and devices to minimize the impact of nature upon us; we want predictability and comfort. We desire a feeling of control over the world around us, and once having established this feeling give it no further thought.

This is an experience unique to the rise of science and the modern world. In eras past, the degree of control and understanding that we have acheived (and the desensitivity) was not possible. From all accounts the ancient Britons and Greeks, and sailors of almost every era, felt only wonder when they saw a blade of grass, a sprig of mistletoe. And yet, were I to take half the contents of humanity with me on my walk, it is likely that despite culture or language, all would express annoyance at the weather, rather then wonder that (alone in all planets among all the billions upon billions of stars) - we have rain. None would ask why we have rain, or ponder the awnser - people just accept that we do and move on.

And so all our wonders become commonplace. We have come to the point where our 'advanced' minds are increasingly of the opinion that feelings (and by proxy, beliefs) should be replaced by knowledge, feelings which do rest upon knowledge are supertitious, and thus have no place in an orderly and understood world.

But there are things in the world which cannot be understood through rationality alone, and things which, while they can be seen and measured, cannot be /appreciated/ through rationality. There are beliefs and moral ideas about conduct and judgements which cannot be accounted for solely upon a rationalist way. Even philosophy cannot rely on numbers and evidence to acheive conclusions about moral systems. Nor can the sheer beauty of a sunrise, a single snowflake on a winter's day, the charity or intelligence of a person with true inner beauty be understood with sheer rationality. The purely rational mind can comprehend none of these things, and in truth does not exist except as an unspoken societal ideal.

But likewise and equally dangerous is rejecting the byproducts of rationality - of dismissing scientific conclusions because they conflict with ones own beliefs. There is a selfish urge in American beliefs and values, a tendancy towards declaring (as Stephen Colbert put it) 'What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true.' It's not only that I //feel// it to be true, but that //I// feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.

And so we are left with a society without wonder or appreciation. A society in which the beauty and sense of awe of the mysteries which surround us is either lost in rationality or in unknowning ignorance, in which curiosity is either to be opposed or pitied.

My entire life I have sought to ask questions, questions for which some would say there can be no awnsers. Many reject the art of questioning in our modern society, even among theoreticians and physicists who prefer slowly expanding the status quo to changing one's worldview when presented with new facts. Many religious people (from many religions) likewise, refuse to even meet and analyze their own texts with a critical eye, preferring instead the mandate of tradition in a poetic imitation of their scientific counterparts.

But for all this I have hope. While some may say that we know little more about the universe then we did in the time of Plato, this is not true. Scientific exploration has revealed much to us of the mechanics of creation, the same products which have stripped away the wonder of the world have nevertheless educated us. And religious efforts have taught us much of ourselves, our motivations and desires, how to live a good and moral life, how to make an appropriate judgement on a particular course of action.

Perhaps we will someday yet learn. But nothing will ever be accomplished
without a sense of wonder, and an appreciation for the natural world.
For these reasons, and their sake alone, I choose to appreciate the beauty of the rising sun, the majesty of the babbling brook, the timelessness of the shores of the sea, and the wonder of a single raindrop, falling from a leaf in the rain.

-Charles

Arrogance

Arrogance

Arrogance is a trap that has ensnared my thoughts ever since I can remember.  Introspectively I must admit that this is an enormous problem and obstacle in my life and obtaining True understanding.  There are many ways that I have fallen into arrogance and there may be ways or practices I could use to divert myself from embodying arrogance. 

In my own life arrogance has sprung up in many ways, all of which have the same root cause, ignorance.  Most suspect is probably arrogance that comes from intelligence and overconfidence.  I have received compliments since I was a child about how “bright” I was, and how “perceptive” or “intelligent” I also was.  This, while growing the confidence in a child, is an obstacle to overcome as an adult.  When I received such attention from adults and peers alike I began to embody that “intelligence” and desired more.  So I studied hard, read, and quickly came to know many facts.  This, people confused for real intelligence, and thus complimented me more and more. 

The more and more I gained attention through my perceived intelligence, the more and more I became proud of myself.  Confidence lead to achievement, achievement lead to pride, pride lead to arrogance, and arrogance lead to hubris.  This arrogance and hubris lead me to believe that I knew everything, or at least I believed I could discern any truth from any falsehood immediately.  Intellectually, I did understand that I did not know everything, but in my heart, actions, and behavior I showed that I did not truly understand this.

I finally understood what the true nature of arrogance was through another.  He was a great teacher to me, for if it were not for him I would have never taken the time to view my own excessive arrogance.  He was talking to a group of my friends very proudly, and I thought to myself “how arrogant can one person be?”  But, then something clicked and I thought “yeah… but you are just as arrogant, if not more, than he is.” 
   
It is the nature of my ego to assume that I am always correct in my thoughts.  If I thought I was wrong, I would probably change my opinion, however I did not recognize the cloud of ignorance that surrounded my mind.  I never thought I was wrong, but ignorance follows me everywhere, due to the simple limitation of my human condition. 
   
I have thus resolved to understand my own perspective better and how limited it is.  Perhaps I will still not agree with this or that, but I will at least recognize my own limitations and the fact of the matter.  Even if I am correct, and prove myself correct, there is no need to revert to arrogance.  There is no reason to think that I am better than this person or that person, for this reason or that.  I could try to justify my exaggerated sense of self importance with one reason or another, but in the end if I am being completely honest I have to tell my ego that I am no better than this person or that person, and no more important than any other living creature on this earth. 
  
I have come to realize that humility is a great virtue.  Through humility I am able to learn much more than I could have if I were arrogant.  There is an old saying a good teacher of mine used to say: “You can’t fill a glass that is already full.”  And that is how I look at arrogance now, that it only impedes the learning process, and ultimately does nothing but harm my development.  I have been striving to keep myself open, and thus receptive to good teachings.  More importantly I have been trying to let go of that over inflated ego of mine, and recognize that all beings are just as important as me, and contribute just as much to the universe as I do.  I have found that the concept of “Ubuntu” extremely helpful for keeping in mind this basic idea.  “Ubuntu” means “I am what I am because of who we all are.”  So anytime I catch myself being arrogant I remind myself that I have truly done nothing, for without others I would be nothing. 

--Brian

A Note From Brian

Politics

 
Politics is possibly one of the sourest topics to introduce.  In today’s world politics is the cause of more animosity, jealousy, misunderstanding, and argumentation than perhaps any other topic.  It is understandable, due to the fact that what happens on the political stage will ultimately affect everyone’s life.  I certainly fall into the trap that the topic of politics spawns, and I am more than guilty for my fair share of misunderstanding and anger. 

The purpose of introspection for me, as stated previously, is the art of examining my own faults and negative views before I criticize any other person’s faults or views.  With that in mind I think through the political arena, and see myself becoming enraged.  “How can these people not see this problem?” I think to myself.  Or even worse “Are these people stupid or just lazy?”  Put very bluntly, I have realized that getting angry hurts no one but myself, and even if it did hurt others, I would not want to impose harm.  This fault of mine can be labeled, it is called “egocentric” and it is quite a great error for me. 
   
I become blind and cannot see the others point of view.  This causes more problems because my communication breaks down and I seem to not even be speaking the same language anymore.  There is a reason for everything someone believes or voices, and to understand that reason is a virtue.  I fall gravely short in displaying this virtue.  I often impose my own experience and views on other people, and then get angry when they express a different opinion, or site different logic than my own. 
   
Perhaps I will continue to disagree with them, but the fault lies not with the disagreement.  Rather the fault lay with the immediate rejection of the others point of view, and the ensuing anger and animosity I feel towards them when they do not agree with me.  This attitude does nothing but impede growth of both myself and others.  If I were to take the time to understand why a “political rival” feels the way they do than perhaps I would gain some clear perspective on the issue.  Then perhaps I could help them understand why I feel the way I do.
   
I have realized that when I discuss politics, far too often I argue politics.  Argumentation is not the goal of true discussion.  What is true discussion then?  Perhaps, it is the act, through conversation, of coming to better understand a person and discover who they are and why they think a particular way.  Perhaps not, I claim no knowledge of true discussion.  However, I will say that my fault of disrespect towards others has done nothing but create more anger and hostility in the world, mostly directed at myself.  
   
I am not suggesting that I must accept the ideas or opinion of those I may disagree with.  However, I also recognize that I have done nothing productive, instead opting to contribute to the aggravation, negative emotion, and misinterpretations of politics in general.  I can blame no one but myself for causing the anger and hostility that comes along with a heated political debate; and if I wish to blame someone for troubles that face our country and international community I need look no further than a mirror. 
   
You may be curious as to where I fall on the political spectrum, as I live in America, and it is not often one hears someone blaming themselves for political strife.  I choose to think of myself as neither a Republican, nor Democrat, nor independent or any other party; instead I try to think of myself as a citizen of the world and one who wishes to see worldwide conditions improve.  I am not suggesting that Republicans or Democrats are wrong or in any way bad.  That would be exactly contradictory to my goal in this introspection.  I simply choose not to identify with anything that might cause me to label another unjustly, which would be another fault that I have been guilty of.
     
Far too often I close my ears and whisper quietly to myself “La la la” while someone with a difference of opinion is speaking.  For that I apologize, not to anyone in particular, but more to myself for falling short on my ideals.  I will never change another person’s opinion to reflect my own, but I can change myself to better understand others, and that is a true virtue.  In the future I will attempt to enter any political arrangement or conversation with tolerance and understanding.  

“Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.”
--Mohandas Gandhi

-Brian

Notes from a Friend

I have shown a friend of mine this blog, and he wishes to join in. He is, in a way, part of the inspiration for it, for it is partially though conversations with him that I came to realize the necessity of looking inward. We would often have arguments where we would fight and argue, and we each, in our own turn, would realize that the flaw lay not in the opinions or statement of the other person, but within ourselves and how we chose to view the other person.

His name is Brian, and he would like to take some time every now and then to discuss similar issues to the ones I raise; looking into himself, and examining different philosophies and ways of living for himself. I shall copy and paste his posts for him to avoid technological issues, but I shall make sure he signs them with his name. As for myself, I am simply Charles.

-Charles

Why truth?

I'm not going to define truth. Since I'm not here to debate anyone, I don't really see it as a productive activity. Perhaps I should express for myself, however, what I consider to be truth, since if I'm seeking after it and cannot express what it is I seek, then I'm a poor seeker.

Ever since I was young, I have been convinced, due to the influence of various sources, of the virtues of pursuing a lifestyle of self-improvement, and of seeking wisdom. For most of my life, rather then become a search for wisdom, or for any sort of self-improvement or religious truth, this turned into a hungry ambition, a seeking after intelligence and knowledge, a craving for understanding of how the world works and why.

I was unsatisfied regarding the world, and wanted to feel important; so what was naturally a good desire became something less wholesome. Not that seeking knowledge and craving understanding are bad, mind, but one needs to recognize that knowledge of the physical nature of the universe will not satisfy the inner void we hold within ourselves anymore then sex, drugs, or money will. I did not recognize this, I thought it would, and so I sought, foolishly, to "learn everything." This led to me learning ever-more esoteric knowledge of the physical laws of reality, to pursuing ever-more obscure and high-level classes in academia, and to becoming ever-more miserable. I did not realize this, of course, but that is what it was. I hoped that someday I would win a noble prize, and be remembered as a famous scientist, so that even if I died, my life would still -matter-. Meaninglessness was my constant enemy.

I look upon that attitude now with a sort of pity. I probably could have told you, even then, that such a mindset was foolishness, and could have cloaked myself in pretty words and explanations regarding why that did not apply to me. I would claim I loved the wonders of the universe, and had a boundless curiosity and enthusiasm for the beauties all around us. And that is true; I did have those things. But that dark aspect was also true. I had to learn to live up to that ideal without succuming to the pitfalls, and it was a long, hard journey. I still cannot say for sure how I managed to change my mindset, though I have guesses I will not speculate on them at this time.

But the fact is that I did, I managed to recognize the flaw and improve. And I began to view my own life in light of the world; the flaws I saw within others were also within myself. Others did not live well, but I did not live well, and I had to change that above all others. How could I ever expect the world to get better if I did not get better? I had to become the sort of person whom would live in the world I wanted to live in. And in the process of becoming convinced of that, I realized that in order to do so, I would have to dedicate myself to truth and love. I guess we are all dedicated to truth and love, so I'm not saying much. But I want to live out, in my own life, truth and love. I do many things that fall short of that example. Whether intentionally or not, I cause harm in the world every day. I observe it.

This is my attempt to not have to observe it any longer. But if all that I accomplish in life is that I live according to my principles, in a complete manner, a comprehensive manner, without sacrificing them, or glossing over the little things, then perhaps in some small way my life will serve those causes. I realize that with all of our souls we all think this way; that we want to act for truth and love. But with every word and action by which we live our life all of us deny it. And thus we have come to this blog.


There can be only one permanent revolution — a moral one; the regeneration of the inner man. How is this revolution to take place? Nobody knows how it will take place in humanity, but every man feels it clearly in himself. And yet in our world everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.. -Tolstoy

Honesty

Before I go into deeper issues such as what is truth, and thinking about why I seek after it, and in what cause I do such things, I wish to get into the real purpose of this blog. Analyzing myself and trying to find improvements. This is of crucial importance, or the blog will be useless as a tool for self-examination.

I shall begin by analyzing my honesty. I realize none of this will be informative or shocking or a huge revelation, but please bear with my and what may be a very uninteresting post.

 I work sales at a small company. I was supposed to be an engineer doing verbal technical consultations, but I turned out to be a salesman in a failing company. My boss is the one who orders all of the material for the company and starts all tasks. All in all this would take about an hour out of his day, each day, to do properly, but he rarely comes to work on any given day, or if he does, he does not work.

My problem is that he makes promises to customers on when he can finish his work, and it is my job to communicate it to them. I communicate what he tells me, but he is a liar. He does not tell the truth, and he breaks his promises not out of accidentally human frailty, but on purpose, deliberate human frailty. And it is part of my job to communicate his promises and explain why he has not kept them when the deadlines pass.

I attempt to be an honest person. But then, so does everyone. That is how a world is filled with dishonesty. I do not deliberately lie, even if it would benefit me in the short term. I consider it un-virtuous, and not beneficial in the long term at all besides. That is not to say I do not think of lying sometimes. I am not sure why. Sometimes the thought or idea of lying will pop into my head. Most of the time I will ignore it, or try to reflect on how nonsensical and useless it is. If I am being frail of character, I will think of how funny it would be (the lies that tempt me are often humorous in nature, for some reason.) Again, I do not wish to imply this happens all the time, but merely make it clear that I do think of lying.

I am not certain how to reduce thinking of lying, though I have had, I believe, some success in controlling the thing itself, since there is always a choice, and it is relatively simple to just choose not to lie. There is very little habbit forming or tempting about it, it is merely a moral decision one can choose to make. But I am not certain how to discipline my thoughts so that the -idea- of lying does not occur to me. And of course, sometimes I will accidently lie, which upsets me afterword.

This leads to another problem. Despite all of this, I continue working for this job. It is not a good-paying job, but it pays more then anything else I have ever gotten, and I have a large number of bills, and another person who depends on me for that income. If I lived up to my principles, I would not lie for him. I try not to lie for him. I do so by taking him at his word each time, and being as honest as I can in my position.

But that is only self-justification. If I do not wish to lie, I cannot work for this man. The moral thing to do would be to sacrifice the job and accept the income change. But I cannot guarantee my next job will be more moral, and there are others relying on me. So I am not certain what to do.

This moral issue, at first simple, has now become more complex. I can attempt to be virtuous, but find myself violating even a simple virtue I am very committed to, out of desire for money, and desire to benefit others.

I have no solution for this as of yet.

Methodology

I hope to look at myself in a specific and thorough way in this blog. I hope to look at specific patterns in my thoughts and deeds and behaviors, and to try experimenting to improve myself. I wish to do this not out of self-hatred, but out of self-love, and in a thoroughly practical way. I am aiming to make myself aware of instances of immorality, no matter how tiny, so that I may then change them.

This shall be a difficult process. Firstly, the worst flaws of a person are those they are blind two, and secondly, in overcoming the assumptions we all have about them, the mental laziness we all have, and in our own feelings of learned helplessness.

I am not saying I am not a good person. Like most of humanity, like yourself, I'm an ordinary person, trying to do the best he can. I'm merely seeking to devote more time and attention to this task then is typical, and approach it in a systematic way.

I am not even altogether certain exactly what would constitute immorality, and so I shall have to think aloud as it were, on issues of philosophy and virtue and so on. Not because I wish to convince anyone - please do not think so -  but because I cannot really try and improve myself unless I think about these things in some manner. Of course, I have tried to think about them before, and so perhaps some of the things I shall think aloud on are prior thoughts. But I wish to be systematic about it.

Introspection

Introspection is not a skill taught in our culture.

We seek to challenge others, those whom we disagree with, those whom we believe are hurting our nation or interfering in our lives, those whom are making us miserable or causing our problems. We want them to stop, and we resent them. At the same time, we want peace, comfort, security. Good jobs, freedom from work, cool toys like big new tvs, the latest cell-phone and video game, or car. And when we get those things, there will be something else to get, soon enough. Perhaps we can watch the television in the meantime.

So this is how our society works; this is the American dream. Spending money, getting married, working your whole life, and spending more money. Perhaps we go to church, or perhaps we don't. Perhaps we take comfort in god, or perhaps we just don't think about it. We do basically the same things either way. We get along with our neighbors, our friends, our significant others, and on occasion we argue, but we solve those problems as we solve the endless small problems of life. And so it goes on. Until someday we die. And that is how the world has always been, and how it will always be. Politicians will filander, we will grow old, and someday we will die.

Is that it? Is that all we can aspire towards? Purchasing things and trying to forget everything that makes us miserable until we die? And must we always blame the politicians, the bosses, those whom we disagree with, for everything they do? Even if they are unintelligent or unwise, do we not share, in some small part, at the very least, some of the blame for being part of the society which gave rise to such peoples? Do we not do all the same things, even if in lesser quantities, as those whom torment us?

These are not popular thoughts. The most common reaction to these thoughts is 'you can't argue with an <explitive>' - and most people will simply go on explaining why their opponents are crazy. And whatever the rightness or wrongness of what they say, that accomplishes nothing, and the discussion ends.

I want to try something different. We've been trying to point out the flaws in our neighbors for thousands of years. It has -never worked-. Why go on doing something that doesn't work? I want to try something else. I want to try and point out, in as systematic and thorough and critical a fashion as possible, my own flaws, that I might expose them and deconstruct them, and try to change myself for the better.


The goal of this blog is not to discern why -we- as humans lie, or why we as humans do not feel compassionate, or what we can or should think about religion, or politics, or philosophy. It covers, however, all of those things. Instead, it is an attempt, in an imperfect way, to analyze the way I think that I might improve myself.

It is not an attempt to teach. Any such attempts are for my own instruction. I have no great intelligence or wisdom, and my only goal is to try and experiment with truth, to remake myself into a better person.

If I fail at such in this blog, or am hypocritical in any way, I apologize in advance. It is a difficult goal to analyze oneself, but relatively easy to analyze others.